We are doing well in our new burb. Last night we found a message on the back of an envelope in our letter box. I have scanned it for you to see. I stomped around to some neighbouring houses last night in my respectable suit to find this idiot, but only one neighbour was home. And they are selling up anyway, so they wouldn’t have bothered. I say ‘idiot’ because I have had a bit of a look at the envelope they used. As you can see, there is an identifying mark on it: “Abused Child Trust – Platinum Class Lottery’ with a funny ass-shaped upside down love heart (what does that mean?)
I did an internet search on the ‘Abused Child trust’ even though I was a bit concerned about what would turn up on my work screen. It looks legitimate. But there is the other half of the mark – ‘Platinum Class Lottery’. And I can tell you that the envelope was opened very cleanly.
The Platinum Class Lottery is one of two things – it is like the readers digest mega lotteries (your winning ticket is inside! Open this letter RIGHT NOW!) or the ‘only 2000 tickets at $50 each’ (You are likely to win something terrific with these terrific odds!) type lottery. In any event, it is only the stupid people hidden away in these leafy suburbs that open these stupid envelopes properly and then keep them tucked away in case they have to write an anonymous note to a new neighbour.
This is why private investigators go through the rubbish of persons of interest. Turning up an envelope like this will indicate you are dealing with either an out-of-work no-hoper (one of Federal Government's favourite words for the unemployed) or retired clown that has nothing better to do than sit around at home all day neatly opening lottery envelopes in the vain hope that they will win a million dollars and be able to buy another house away from those damn barking dogs!
I am not even going to go into the stupid exclamation mark. Or the anonymity. Good grief. Are we 14 again?
We were dog-sitting yesterday and I think that our guest dog may have sparked the note. I hope this is the case. Firstly, so I don’t have to do anything about my own dogs. Secondly, so when I go door knocking tonight to identify the author of the exclamation mark, I can tell them we had the dogs destroyed lest they continue to irritate. And if there is no further barking, they may just think I am for real and that their ridiculous anonymous note has lead to the near instant death of two very lovely, fluffy black poodles.
Yes, it is altogether much better to get worked up about this note, publish it on this blog, tell big porkies about killing dogs, than go and have a little conversation with the neighbour. I could also arrange a bag of dog poo on their doorstep. That’d be funny. And to think I suggested that anonymous notes with stupid exclamation marks was juvenile.
I can out-juvenile them.
6 comments:
The anonymity does bug me. And, of course, the exclamation mark. The anonymity bugs me becasue I cannot go and speak to the person who left the note, and apologise, and let them know what I am doing to prevent it happening. And also, i want to know if the barking has stopped! Instead, I have to go doorknocking around the neightbouring houses, showing everyone the note and asking if it was them. Not everyone is home when I knock on the doors, and I've now spent some time on this investigation. Personally I would be a little bit embaressed if I found out someone was door knocking to find out who was leaving anonymous notes.
You are right on the Council bit - and thats another reason I want to find the complainant. I would rather they ring me than the Council should the barking continue! Its a race against time.
By the way, the turn on the doorstep was hubby's idea.
I'd never dream of such a thing.
I meant to say the 'turd' on the doorstep was hubby's idea...
Do you have a 'No Junk Mail' sign on your mailbox? Perhaps you could add 'and this includes anonymous notes'.
I had two occasions (in 2 states/territories) of people going straight to the council. In the first I had just JUST moved to Subi when i had a knock on the door. After apologising and chatting to the friendly ranger for a while I asked when the barking was meant to have happened. As it turned out, it was the day BEFORE the dogs were resettled into their new home. Hmph.
Second time (in the 'berra)I had a note from the council in the mailbox that barking had been reported. I checked with both neighbours who replied along the lines of 'oh no, yours aren't a problem, but the one x doors down doesn't let up.' I was also informed that the dobberinerer was probably the lady opposite who was known to be crazy and had reported various people for various things.
I'm convinced that unless you take particular care to stalk around a suspect property, its pretty difficult to pinpoint which house dog barking is coming from. I've leapt out of bed numerous times to go and chastise Lucy for barking, only to almost step on her sleeping soundly next the bed. If 'I' can be fooled....
Perhaps there are bad egg dogs out there who can throw their bark.
Why are you accusing whoever left you this note of being an idiot? You are the arrogant idiot who doesn't care about your neighbours. Why should they care how adorable your dogs are? If they're so adorable take them to work with you. As for hunting them out in your respectable suit, sheesh, I'd suggest you try doing something a little less aggressive - like taking the dogs for a walk.
yours, anon
Oooh how exciting! Someone anonymous is reading The Burbs. Maybe they left the note...
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